Thursday, August 2, 2012

Thank you for smoking: Olympic Edition

A recent trend on twitter was #RejectedOlympicEvents. Most of them were pretty lame--Quidditch and Twerking came up constantly, but after a little thought I think I have a good one.

Winter Speed Smoking!

This event would be based on what those few remaining nicotine fiends at work have to do in December on  break now that most public spaces forbid smoking.   They would start from a sitting position at a desk.  At the gun they would dash to the elevator (or stairs), race-walk outside past the No Smoking Perimeter, light up in the wind and snow, and smoke as many ciggies as possible while still getting back to their desk in 15 minutes. You’d get points for the number of cigarettes you smoked but penalized if you were late getting back to your desk, or for stepping into a No Smoking area with a lit cigarette.  You could have separate events for pipe and cigar, or rolling your own.

Can you imagine the kind of withered, green-faced tar-fingered, brown-toothed specimens who would excel at this?   The winners would have to be helped up on to the podium with their little O2 tanks and nasal canulas.  The winners anthem would start and you wouldn’t know whether they were just putting their hand over their heart or clutching at their angina.